How we invented sodomy

Mark, Simon and I are scientific geniuses. I don’t think I take it too far by saying that the world suffers for every moment that we’re not in a laboratory wearing white coats, holding beacons and inventing stuff.

But since invention runs in our blood, sometimes we just can’t help ourselves.

Last night, about 32minutes after the peak of the lunar eclipse – Simon and Mark very nearly dressed in identical pyjamas – we walked down to the Isar to see if we could catch the eclipse. We could not. We were at least 32 minutes too late. Plus we hadn’t even brought a camera with us.

It was at this point that we decided that we are not functioning adults. Functioning adults would have planned the trip – looked up the optimal viewing place, charged the camera and gotten dressed in outside clothes.

So, after some thought, we invented Symbiotic Organism Duplicates; Officially Me and You. SODOMY...Oh wow! Hey! Is that a giant shitting bird flying overhead? Is that a giant shitting bird flying overhead?

Is that a giant shitting bird flying overhead?

Okay. Yes. The name needs a little revising.

The concept works like this:

Any time you need more of yourself than just one (like when you have ridiculous amounts of freelance work that you should be writing instead of a blog, per say), you just pull an extra you out from yourself. This SODOMY can do anything that you can, responds to questions and conversations in a manner that you would, but doesn’t suffer from crippling insecurities, sleep deprivation or McDonald’s cravings.

You can transfer your consciousness into whichever “you” that you want – so you don’t have to deal with things like long airfares, hangovers or awkward bedroom scenes. SODOMY is also dynamite in bed. And anything good that SODOMY does – like learn a language, work out, read – is immediately transferred onto you, so you can sleep or watch movies or hang out with friends while SODOMY works on your six-pack. If SODOMY does something bad, like catch a disease (bad SODOMY!), break a limb or procure a really bad memory, it has to deal with it alone. And you can destroy it for being such a dirty little slapper.

Tell me that wouldn’t solve like 90% of your problems. It would solve about 99% of my problems.

I’m not sure what that says about me.

The important thing is that you have to appeal to your government to let Simon, Mark and I loose in like a state-of-the-art lab. We’ll need ridiculous* salaries...and also human test subjects.

*Ridiculous in a good way, like “Agnes earns such a ridiculous salary, that sometimes she just buys a country”.