The purpose of my life is to get a steamer

I’ve thought long and hard about this, and it just makes sense. Here are my reasons:

1. I could steam everything in sight. Hello fitted sheets, and how are you today?
2. It would put an end to the boundless tyranny of the iron cord.
3. I would no longer need to waltz with the ironing board (unless I wanted to and the mood was right).
4. I want one.
5. The anagram of steamer and agnes is all of the following: “Me seat rages”, “Game star nees”, “eager nest Sam” and “Meager nests.”
6. All day Dumpling’s been like, “Meager nests!” and I’ve been like, “shut up Dumpling, what would you know about anything?” and then he’s been like, “I’ve found the purpose of my life, have you?” and shat just to prove his point.*
7. I haven’t found the purpose of my life. Unless I get some sort of recognition for the hours I’ve put into ear cleaning (I’m an exceptionally enthusiastic ear cleaner).
8. If getting a steamer isn’t the purpose of my life, what is? (Answer: possibly ear cleaning?)
9. Getting a steamer is much easier than writing a best seller entitled “Eat, Steam, Love.”
10. “Eat, Pray, Love” was a travesty and one of the worst books I’ve ever had the misfortune of not being able to finish (because it was so colossally bad). This has everything to do with me getting a steamer.
11. I would only maim myself a little. And only on purpose.

So yeah, go me!

*This was quite the revelation because up to that point I wasn’t sure which of the following was the true purpose of Dumpling’s life:
- Eating
- Drinking
- Making adorable bird noises
- Bathing with gusto
- Hopping from place to place
- Looking flustered
- Eavesdropping
- Showering the world with seed husks
- Fluffing
- Shitting
- Plotting our doom