Taking things too far

I’ll share a secret with you: I love my iPhone so much that sometimes I take it into the bathroom with me. Just so I can have a few extra seconds to play a game, surf the web or just stroke it.

Technology, in general, has a very special place in my heart. All technology. I can get excited about anything from the latest fruit juicer to a vacuum, lawnmower, game console or laptop. Especially a laptop. Especially if it’s a Mac laptop.

Sadly I’ve never owned a Mac laptop because Mark continues to ram logic into my head. And I suppose he’s right, I shouldn’t sell my kidneys to pay for a computer.

Anyway, I always thought that if there was ever a piece of technology that felt a little insecure, it could come to me and I would be like, “Look at this! Hey guys look at this! It’s a pen and a scanner, in one! Amazing!” and it would immediately feel better.

But I’ve just been confronted with my bottom line. My limit. Want to know what it is? An i-Fairy acting as a wedding celebrant. I’m not making this up. A couple in Japan got married by a robot. And not a cool or pretty robot like the name might suggest, but a creepy robot cross between Astro Boy, Casper and a fridge…but with less personality and the voice of a lisping five-year-old. I also suspect that it’s had some hip hop lessons from C3PO (the gold robot from Star Wars…yes I am that geeky).

My favourite part of the written coverage is the groom’s expression of disappointment that the i-Fairy isn’t smarter.

“It would be nice if the robot was a bit more clever…” he said

I don’t know how he expected the robot to display extra intelligence – by performing an impromptu lecture on quantum physics mid-ceremony, perhaps? Maybe he hoped it would sound more like an adult and less like a kindergartener on speed? Who knows?

But being a nice person, he compensated:

“…but she is very good at expressing herself.”

And I suppose he’s right…if what she was trying to express was that she wanted to be cast as the next voice of Pikachoo or land on the list of Bert Newton’s “20-1: Most Annoying Robot Voices” somewhere right at the top because there has never, ever been a more annoying robot voice.

But don’t take my word for it, you can watch the wedding here. Just be prepared. It is creepy. The whole time the i-Fairy looks like it might rebel against the flowery onslaught on its head by shooting laser beams – or maybe crayons, rainbows or pacifiers – out of its eyes, all the while learning to count like a good toddler should:

A medical mystery

I always knew that one day something about me would make a scientist scratch his head, shrug his shoulders and declare that I’m just a bit weird.

Granted, I thought that it would be my brain, my lack of memory or maybe my sense of humour and not my ACHOO syndrome (no, I’m not making this up), but hey, I won’t be picky. I’ll take what I’m given.

In case you’re wondering, the syndrome (more commonly known as photic sneeze reflex or sun-sneezing) is a condition which causes people to sneeze when they first look at the sun. And I do. As soon as the sunrays hit my eyes, my nostrils go into an excitable frenzy. It’s like they’ve seen daylight for the first time. Every time.

Don’t be concerned though:

1. There are worse things they could get excited about.


2. I love sneezing.


3. It’s not a condition that has any debilitating effects. In fact, it’s not even so much a condition as it is a genetic coding error…or at least as far as scientists are aware.

The truth is that scientists don’t really care. For a time they got vaguely interested and came up with a theory that in some people, the optical and trigeminal nerves get a little bit lost (or in the words of this article “the wires are crossed a little...and so shining a light in the eye "accidentally" activates two different outgoing pathways"). No surprises that I should be one of these people? No, I didn’t think so.

Anyway, since it’s hardly a thrilling subject, scientists soon lost interest. After all they have more important things to think about. So my genetic condition – one I share with some 18-30% of the world – is not really being investigated.

This of course means that at any given time, for no apparent reason, several million noses applaud sunshine without quite knowing why.

But this is one mystery "special gift" that I’ve decided to take advantage of. I’m going to gather other sun-sneezers and stage a protest…or a concert. I’m not sure which, but I’m open to suggestions…

To my blog, on being a bad partner

I'm sorry. I've been neglecting you.

No, don't give me that look. I know you're disappointed and that your pages have been missing my erratic - often slightly brutish - touch.

You don't need to remind me how much has happened in the world while I've been missing. For one, a giant dog may have set a new world record.

The Guinness jury is still out, but at seven foot this could be the biggest dog in the world.












Pretty impressive.

In other exciting developments, a new species of human has been found in Siberia.

A Dr Krause and his team found a finger which they swiftly put through DNA testing and discovered was rather old and belonged to a species of human that slid somewhere between the Homo Erectus and the Neanderthal.

Not only is this an exciting development for the scientific world, but also a story in which the journalist decided to flex her poetic muscle:

"The extraordinary find brings to four the number of human species thought to have roamed the earth at the time."

Smiled my heart, when my eyes that sentence read.

I'm also particularly fond of the reaction of the scientist who Dr Krause called with his discovery:
"At first I didn't really believe him, I thought he was pulling my leg," said Professor Paabo.

I like how this sentence suggest that this group of scientists (who, I should mention, dubbed the ancient owner of the digit "X-woman") pull crazy pranks on each other all the time...and that a call regarding a discovered finger could substantiate just such a hilarious prank.

Sometimes I wish that I was a scientist. Journalism can be so lacklustre and humourless sometimes. I can't remember the last time someone called me to say they'd discovered a severed piece of human anatomy and wanted me to examine it. Where's the laughter? Where's the joy?

Mexico or India to blame for dinosaur extinction?

Deviating slightly from today's political climate and the "Rudd vs the world" debacle over health reform, I'd like to point out this rather strange article in today's web edition of The Australian: "Dinosaurs killed off by Mexican asteroid, not Indian volcano".

You can read it here, but I find that my version (below) is a little closer to the mark:

Scientists confident in own theory

A group of 41 scientists confident that a huge asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs have released a report saying that they are right.

The report entitled "Dinosaurs did too die because of an asteroid impact...times infinity" was released to fight off criticism by scientists who believed that a volcano explosion in India was to blame for the demise of the prehistoric beasts.

The criticism came after "some researchers" found that debris discovered at the Chicxulub impact site in Mexico was some 300,000 years too old to have been responsible.

The new report states that debris further from the crater is (coincidentally) just the right age to have started the extinction process. It also claims that a wimpy volcano could not have had that strong an impact on earth.

Following the release of the report, its author Joanna Morgan of Imperial College London said that the asteroid theorists now had "great confidence" in their own belief. Before the report was filed, their confidence in their own theory was only moderately great, she added.

Another member of the report team suggested that a good way of determining the sequence of events that led to dinosaur extinction would be to look further away from the impact site. The debris closer to the site, he said, made their extinction theory too easy to disprove.

P.S.
For the record, I'm more inclined to believe that an asteroid, rather than a volcano, killed the dinosaurs, but before I commit to that theory I'd like some indisputable evidence, not "based on our biased beliefs we are confident that we are right"...bah humbug!