Agnes vs The Shower

I have found a new mortal enemy. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that the shower at Mark’s parents’ place is trying to kill me. Every morning the bathroom turns into a martial arts movie with me starring as the foolhardy bandit who steps in the way and the shower playing the role of the unassuming hero who beats the shit out of me.

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A side of crazy

This weekend has been a bit of a whirlwind. Not only have I been drugged up to the nines (thanks go out to my dentist) and freshly missing a wisdom tooth, but Mark and I had to move out of the Manly-P and into his parents’ house. The tears have stopped now, thanks for asking.

I also managed to drag my swollen mouth to a birthday and a house warming and did my best impression of the worst guest ever by refusing all food and alcohol while aggressively gesturing towards my face. Which is actually only half-way removed from how I usually behave.

And I let the crazy out a little. And by a little, I mean people were scaling buildings and leaving rooms to avoid talking to me.

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"His and hers" knitted hot water bottle covers

And I thought tea cosies were weird...

Why I'll be toothless by thirty

I’m not sure how to do that. Now I'm nervous whenever I lift the bottle up…

Worst bridesmaid ever!

A few months back, in my parents’ backyard – among blooming rose bushes and other flowers I can’t pronounce quite so easily – my friend Urszula, who I consider to be pretty much my older sister, asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.

I was understandably thrilled and while the tattoo I got done on my forehead to communicate my euphoria may be a little much, I stand by my decision.

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Hard to concentrate

On Tuesday, at some indecent hour of the morning, I found out what interferes more with one’s concentration than Mark speaking in nondescript half-sentences. Out of nowhere Whamo! Bang! Ka Pow! my bottom molar beat up my gums and started a war.

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Stop with the PM bullshit already!

So I know that you’re probably over the news that we have a new (female) Prime Minister. But it is big news. Whoever thought that someone with a vagina could rule? Believe me, it’s been a massive shock for loads of news teams, which have been sputtering garbage ever since they found out.

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I fear:

1. That Tony Abbot will win the next election.
2. That the people of Australia will be so focused on K-Rudd being forced out of his position that they won’t notice all of the good policies – like the mining tax – that still exist within the Labor party. 

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Subtlety

MARK: You should eat less.
(meaning: wow you are getting FAT.)

ME: Is that a subtle way of telling me I’m getting fat?

MARK: hahahahaha
(meaning: Hell yes. Just look at those thighs.)

A short while later...

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That is not a monkey!

Let me set the scene:

I was looking for an image of a cartoon monkey scratching his head. I typed “confused monkey” and then “confused” into Google Images.

Here’s what came up:

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“Farting ferry rides Batman; I think we should trade in the batmobile…”

This morning, once again, I caught a ferry to work. And, once again, it confirmed what every fibre of my being has been screaming from my very first go: TRAVELLING TO WORK VIA A FERRY IS FUCKING AWESOME.

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Toilet trouble

So I warned you guys that I would fill the next year or so of this blog with news of the Manly penthouse apartment that we’re living in. I know you may not think it’s all so great but you have to take two things into consideration:

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A pattern

Bring your face to the screen. Now look really closely. If you’re a keen observer then you’ll notice that there is a pattern forming.

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Woman escapes dementia and decides to spend her time knitting

I’ve decided to write a screenplay.

Hear me out.

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Whaaaa….?

Maybe it’s my Friday brain setting in early or maybe I’m just high on cherry coke, but the thing is that I followed a link to a story entitled “Facebook addicts can't relate, says scientist Susan Greenfield” seeking to be enlightened. Considering the banal overly-descriptive headline, I assumed that the article would tell me about the effects of facebook on its users. Boy was I wrong.

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New toy

Ever since Mark doused my netbook in orange juice and my USB key kicked the bucket I’ve been nervously watching my old laptop as it slipped in and out of dementia. So right around the time it decided to go into spontaneous hibernation (for the third time in the space of six minutes) Mark and I decided to get a new laptop.

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Mortified!

Want to talk about embarrassing?

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The future is nigh

Hey everyone, can you believe it’s the middle of the year already? I’m not sure how it happened because I swear time has slowed over the past couple of days. I think it’s all the packing which is still going on. Don’t worry; I’ve exhausted my ability to write about it.

Instead I’m going to tell you where Mark and I are going to be moving to for a week and – probably a little unfortunately for you – this is a topic that I’m going to hold on to for some time. In fact I might still be writing about it in a year’s time as “the time in my life when I was truly happy”…

Ready for the grand revelation?

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Jenga

Our apartment is tiny, so you would think that the Jenga skills I gained in my youth would come in handy when packing it up. Turns out I suck.

Welcome to my personal hell

So here’s the thing: I have curly hair and it has been raining for a good week now. Anybody with straight hair just flicked their tresses over their shoulder and looked out the window, “Really? It’s been raining? How weird that I didn’t notice”.

Anybody with curly hair just sighed and once again tried to ram their way through the door of the elevator. Didn’t work? Don’t worry, the air-con will eventually kill off the dampness, the hair will drop a fraction and you can get back onto stable ground.

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Finally real entertainment courtesy of Justin

Right, so I’m guessing you know who Justin Bieber is, right? You know, the pubescent ball of hair with the voice of a woman? The one that looks like he stumbled out of bed, past his kindergarten building, through a wind tunnel and onto your television screen?


You’re nodding your head and showing off your Supree “I love Justin” shirt? Good, then we’re on the same page…well not really, but at least you know who I’m talking about. We’ll address your poor fashion/music taste later.

For now I’d like to inform you that I’ve just discovered the most delightful thing:

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Absent

Yesterday I got an email from my blog. It went something like this:

Dear Deserter,

I hate you!

With sincere loathing,

Your blog

So I got the impression that maybe I shouldn’t go off and neglect it quite so much or it might eventually leave me…and then where would I put thoughts on my dysfunctional life? Maybe in a notebook…but that would eventually run away as well.

Anyway, to soften the blow of my absence, I thought I’d take a few minutes to explain what I’ve been up to, because it hasn’t all been margaritas, nudie runs and crossword puzzles.

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Random thoughts:

1) I wonder if my life would be more interesting if I had a life. Probably.

2) Tina Fay is hilarious.

3) I wonder if my life would be more interesting if I was Tina Fay.