Finally real entertainment courtesy of Justin

Right, so I’m guessing you know who Justin Bieber is, right? You know, the pubescent ball of hair with the voice of a woman? The one that looks like he stumbled out of bed, past his kindergarten building, through a wind tunnel and onto your television screen?


You’re nodding your head and showing off your Supree “I love Justin” shirt? Good, then we’re on the same page…well not really, but at least you know who I’m talking about. We’ll address your poor fashion/music taste later.

For now I’d like to inform you that I’ve just discovered the most delightful thing:
Justin Bieber’s Wikipedia page.

It is fabulous for so many reasons that you’re just going to have to explore it yourself, but let me entice you with a few little quotes:

“Bieber's mother, Pattie Mallette, was 18 years old when she became pregnant with her son. Bieber was raised as an only child by Mallette, who worked low-paying office jobs” – I love the dramatised sense of misfortune in this sentence. I like to think it’s there to inspire other low-paid office workers to cash in on their kids.

“Impressed, [Scooter] Braun tracked down the theater Bieber was performing in, located Bieber's school, and finally contacted Mallette. Mallette was reluctant; she remembered praying, "God, I gave him to you. You could send me a Christian man, a Christian label!" However, after praying with her church elders and receiving their encouragement, she permitted Braun to fly Bieber, then 13, to Atlanta, Georgia to record demo tapes.” – what’s not to love?

“Good created a "streetwise look" for the singer which consisted of baseball caps, hoodies, dog chains and flashy sneakers.” – you just know this was pulled together by a middle-aged exec, don’t you…

“[After an out-of-control appearance] the police arrested an Island Records senior vice-president, James A. Roppo, reportedly for hindering the police's crowd control efforts by not sending a timely message on Twitter as instructed by the police.” – Ha ha ha…

“[When in New Zealand, Beiber] tweeted that somebody stole his hat and "knocked down [his] mama." The teenage girl who stole the hat then uploaded a video to the Internet, outlining the demands of her extortion attempt. The next day, she returned the hat amid speculation of possible criminal charges.”

And my work here is done..