Eurovision chatter for Nick

So Eurovision has officially started – we’re two semifinals in and the hilarious observations by some very hilarious individuals, resembling us, have begun. I just need to take a moment to really reiterate just how funny these individuals (who are us) are. Our commentary to date has been pretty funny and also pretty accurate.

Like, for example, earlier today when we were watching the second semifinal (of which we have the results because it’s already over, Nick) we said things like “bird face! What an ugly bird face,” when describing a woman with a really ugly bird face.

It was beaky and puckered.

We were also shocked and appalled by one entrant not making it through. How dare you Europe?! 

Actually, truth be told, I didn’t really care about that particular entrant anyway, so I’d be lying if I said throwing a coffee table off the balcony was completely motivated by grief. I was more upset by the bird face.

But let me get serious for a quick second, because one group caused me real distress and I want vengeance. Please be so kind as to gather up each member of this act (including the song writer, composer, costume designer, hair stylist, mother and anybody else even remotely related to it), force them to stand in a line and then slap them across the face with an unhinged door or plane propeller. They’re all deranged lunatics as far as I’m concerned.

I’m going to let you guess which act I’m talking about. But take this as a warning: your soul will wither as you listen to this song. And it will cry.

But let’s get down to the crux of why I’m writing this blog. Is it really to talk about Loreen tripping on stage? Or about the Estonian act wearing diapers (WTF)? No – none of those things happened, but my hope is that you’re reading this, Nick, and almost had a seizure at the thought of me ruining it for you.

I’m sorry, any shred of human decency disappeared along with my soul (refer to semifinal two)

So, just so we’re clear on this, the point of this blog is purely to tease Nick. You know who you are, Nick. Unless you’re not the Nick I’m talking about and you stumbled across this blog by accident and are now feeling really puzzled about life in general. Get a grip Nick.

And to the right Nick I say game on. Game on!