I got licked by a huge head (and not in a sexy way)*

Right, well, this post might come back to kick me in the arse, but it needs to be said and I’m not one to shut up in inappropriate situations. Like that time I inadvertently told a friend – in a conspiratorial whisper, might I add – that the guy who he had been hooking up with (the guy who I had NO IDEA he had been hooking up with) had kissed someone else.

And everybody around me was mouthing, “Agnes don’t say it! For the love of hotel blankets (for I do love hotel blankets) STOP!”

Yeah.

Important lesson: Hints get lost on Agnes when Agnes is in the middle of what she perceives to be a really good story. Agnes will not stop until she’s done…no matter how intensely you stare at her (Simon) or how many times you wink (Yuri). In fact she might think she’s turned you straight with her wit and this is your way of telling her she’s the love of your life. Next time please force her mouth shut with a staple gun. Then tie a pretty bow around it (maybe something in blue?)

Back to the story: Despite the severe looks, hand gestures and the cheerleading squad chanting “NO AGNES NO!” I kept on joyfully driving the dagger further into my friend’s heart like, “I heard they pashed for hours and now – most likely – they’re going to adopt a baby and a basket of kittens…”

The sound of hands slapping foreheads was deafening.

And that’s when I realised that, oh yes, that whimpering noise coming from my friend is in fact the last shred of his happiness fighting for its life. But, of course, this panicked me. I don’t do well when panicked.

Important Lesson: Don’t panic Agnes. She don’t shut up, dauuug.

So of course I did not shut up. In fact I did the exact opposite of shutting up; I began to mumble, vocally and very nonsensically, until after several pained, confused minutes – at about the point when the atmosphere in the room excused itself and left – I let my voice trail off to no more than a whisper. Like I could just fade myself out and nobody would notice that I was totally crazy.

And it kind of worked.

But then there was silence. And that’s not something I respond to well. Brain goes: SILENCE MUST BE FILLED. THERE SHALL BE NO SILENCE. HATE SILENCE. So I engaged again (Forehead. Hand. SLAP!), and attempted to steer the conversation onto safer ground with something lighthearted like, “Hey?! Hey! How’s about tampons? Hey? Pretty nifty little suckers, hey?…”

Which incidentally brings me back to what I was originally saying about Oh My God Look At That Head. Not that him or his imprudent tongue had anything to do with tampons. But we did accidentally stumble across a tampon on the dance floor of the club in which The Licking Incident happened (clearly a very classy establishment). We’ll discuss this later because, more importantly, WHAT KIND OF A PERSON LICKS A TOTAL STRANGER?!

Not me, that’s for sure. Even when I can’t control my tongue it stays firmly inside my mouth (thank God, can you imagine?!). No, you’re right, let’s not.

Sorry, here’s the story:

There I was innocently dancing – an exercise that takes on more life, and exaggerated movements, the more alcohol I drink. That particular night some fool had given me a plastic tumbler of tequila under the premise that is was a Margarita.

Consequently I got tanked, and my arms and legs went all erratic, like a basket of kittens. They were everywhere – sampling drinks, sniffing crotches, climbing up legs, peeing on legs, playing with shoelaces and doing it all very enthusiastically. Until disaster struck; they bumped Oh My God Look At His Head (Is It Even Real?)’s drink, and it spilt down my back. Ewww sticky mystery fluid on back!

And then, out of nowhere, just as I was turning around to examine what had happened, I saw a HUGE head moving towards me. Like an asteroid, only much larger – tongue already half out. Before I could protest or move or beat it off with my shoe, I felt the tongue lick the offensive liquid off my back.

IT LICKED ME!

The giant head licked me!

There’s not much more to this story, I just felt an irrepressible need to share it with you. Although I feel as if though there should be a moral in all of this.

Okay I’ve got one: Don’t get smashed on tequila and licked by a HUGE head.

*Is there such a thing as getting licked by a huge head in a sexy way? I mean, I can't say for sure, but my gut instinct is telling me NO!