How I saved the world today…

When I was young I was taught that you should never (never!) leave anything on your plate. Food, no matter how green and brussels-sprout like, was there to be eaten. If you didn’t finish it, the sky would cave in, the world would end and you’d never be able to leave the table again. So there you’d be, strapped down for all eternity while your friends got to play in the doomsday meteorite showers. And how sad would that be?

This turned me into a human vacuum cleaner. You think your dog can suck up crumbs? You ain’t seen nothin’. I demolish crumbs. Crumbs quiver when I look at them. They hide. AND I EAT THEM ALL. That’s how unstoppable I am.

Aside from being slightly disturbing, this talent has made me into the ultimate dinner guest. You can put just about anything in front of me and I will lick it up. So let’s say you have me over for spaghetti bolognese: you put it down, turn around to grab the cheese, turn back and BAM it’s gone and I’m chewing on the dinner napkin. I. Will. Eat. Anything.

However, the absence of food boundaries has also had some negative effects. I know, I know “how?” right? Let me tell you. I really struggle with saying no. You know when you’re stuffed and aware that if you take another bite you’ll undoubtedly explode and your dining partner will be completely put off their dessert? That does not flip the off-switch for me. I will continue to shovel food into my mouth while looking apologetic and uncomfortable until it’s all gone. And then I’ll eat the cutlery.

I’ve never really seen this as much of a negative. So I eat a lot…So one day when my metabolism resigns and I can no longer fit through the door Mark will have to feed me live pigs. And there’s a chance I’ll accidentally eat him as well. So what? No big deal, two days ago I watched a documentary about old women going to get IVF treatments to give birth. There are people who are much more disturbing than I am.

But today I really felt the bad side of my compulsion. I ventured into a local pub for lunch and ordered the worst schnitzel in the world. I know it was the worst schnitzel in the world because I ate the entire thing. I had to prod it several times to make sure that it was chicken and not a dishrag (not that it would have made a difference) and then jammed it down my throat.

Halfway through, grease started flowing out of my ears and my liver climbed out of my nostril and told me this was the last time it would break down something so disgusting. I could only shrug and lick the plate clean. But at least the sky won’t cave in today. You may thank me by having my stomach pumped.