I know. I’m a bitch. But seriously, you haven’t heard “the voice”. The voice is worse than Shelly Craft’s face. And that woman’s elastic smile makes me want to douse the world in sorbolene. Whenever I see her making toothy love to the camera, I wait for the inevitable moment when her cheeks snap and her smile is free to go on a stabbing frenzy. Sorbolene anyone?
But back to the voice, because here’s the thing; not only does the owner of the voice speak every sentence with a rising inflection (that is, like a question), but with the sort of animated enthusiasm that suggests that what she’s saying is delightfully surprising.
But the thing is, you see, the thing is that she doesn’t say anything surprising. Not at all. The voice says things like “It’s cold today?” and “I’m not sure how to do that?” and “Oh no? the aliens have taken off with my brain?”
The voice can even make single-word answers like “okay” and “yes” and “no” sound like questions. For example:
Someone: How are you?
The voice: Good?
Someone: Have you been waiting long?
The voice: No?
And since we’re on the subject, the voice also likes to instigate conversation in a secretive whisper “Hey Agnes (psst)…Agnes”…and then it continues with the rising of the pitch.
So when the voice engages you, your eyes immediately scan the room. The voice suggests that should somebody overhear what is about to be said, you might have to stab them or at least hang them off the top of a skyscraper by their feet until they swear never to divulge whatever’s been said. And then it asks you that your shirt is nice. And you’re like “dude, I just killed someone….and that wasn’t even a question!”
I’m worried that it’s contagious and that soon I’m going to start asking statements instead of saying them. If I do, I give you permission to throw me off a building (just please – somebody please – take over the sorbolene duties).
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