Abandon ship!

Quite a lot has happened since I was last on here. For one, my electorate completely ignored me and all common sense and voted for Joe Hockey. I mean, really?

Secondly, we’ve got a hung government on our hands and the fate of the country rests on three independents. Conservative independents. But I harbour some hope because they have promised to do what’s best for the nation and none of them have said that they will favour a backwards system that ignores infrastructure and throws billions of dollars towards middle-class welfare. I remain naively optimistic.

My guess is that everyone has heard and said everything there is to be heard and said about the election. And I don’t really have anything (much) to add.

What has been getting a bit of press – but not in the right direction – is the country’s youngest parliamentarian. Wyatt Roy is twenty years old and for now holds 52% of the vote in the seat of Longman.

His age not only means that he’s completely undereducated, but also that he has no life experience to fall on…but he is mighty good at repeating himself regardless of whether what he’s saying is accurate or even makes sense, so you can see why he’s an asset to Tony Abbott.

“But wait,” you say to me, “you don’t even know him. Maybe he’s a childhood prodigy? Maybe he is aware of the issues and has solutions. Maybe he’s just the answer we need.”

Don’t think that I can’t hear that tone. And to you, logic-haters, I say – have you heard the lad speak?

In his preselection acceptance speech he outlined that he had Tony Abbott’s support as a priority. Secondly, in a voice that didn’t even pretend to mask his excitement, he told everyone that he’d just been on Google and worked out that if the election took place before October and if he won, he’d be the youngest parliamentarian in the history of Australian politics.

I mean if that doesn’t win you over, I don’t know what will. Who cares about policies and issues facing the electorate and Australia when you have record breaking on your hands?

He punctuated this thought with "let's make history together".

If you think that he got better with time, you’d be wrong.

In any interview or announcement since – including a quick chat to Kerry O’Brien on election day – Wyatt hammered home his promise to the electorate. That is “to be honest and available”.

What are some issues facing Longman?

I’m going to be honest and available.

But which issues do you think won you the seat?

I made myself very available and I was honest.

And which issues will you be working on in parliament?

I think honesty is rare in politics, so I’m going to be honest and also, available.

Thanks Wyatt, but by the way…just when you have a moment of time… honesty is not an issue.

Here are a few extra reasons why this person shouldn’t be anywhere near a political campaign:

• He described himself as “an experienced political campaigner”. No amount of honesty can correct delusions that deep. 
• He has never voted in a federal election before.
• He compared himself to John Howard. Because of his political pedigree? No. Because of his policies? No. Here’s why – see if you can keep up – John Howard came from “a family of non-politically minded people of swinging voters and Labor voters”. Riiight and I’m a futon because neither of us came from a family of writers. 
• He said that his partner, who hates politics (as most children do) keeps him grounded. It’s good to know he has such a healthy grounding influence, isn’t it?

So there’s just one question left: is his electorate mad?

Well, let’s have a look at an article in one of the local online newspapers:

“My personal experience when talking with Wyatt is that he is exceptional at public speaking, very intelligent and wise beyond his years. He did impress me as he has impressed many other prominent people. He is very focused, people orientated and his motto is to represent with integrity and honesty. In my opinion it will be a first for a politician. I hope if he gets in he is true to his word. I believe the system of politics is so full of deceit and back stabbing that it will be a triumph if this young man can get through it and stay honest, maintaining his integrity.”

I rest my case.

at least if he does end up in parliament you can look out for his 21st party. I won't be there though, I’m abandoning ship and moving far, far away.