I did not have sex with that woman

I’m here to dispel some rumours and set some things straight:

1. I did not go to the moon.
2. I did not discover a species of monkey alive on the moon.
3. I did not name the moon monkey, “moon monkey”.
4. If I had found a moon monkey on the moon I would most definitely call it “Barney”.
5. It’s not that I think that monkeys – especially moon monkeys – should be called Barney, it’s just that I accidentally called a person named “Brendan” “Barney” and if there was a species of moon monkey called “Barney” I’d have a good reason for making the mistake. 
6. If I wasn’t obligated to name a moon monkey “Barney”, I’d give it a perfectly respectable sci-fi name like “Xlexigon B”. 
7. I didn’t spend the past week indoors thinking up names for a mythical species of moon monkey. Even if they have nipples made of coal.
8. I spent last week traversing between Melbourne and Geelong. 
9. Actually most of my time was spent in Geelong, eating.
   
10. I don’t look like this now:

11. That’s not entirely true; I may look a little bit like that now.
12. I did not go to Geelong to enjoy the area’s Arctic waterfront, gale-force winds or the National Wool Museum.
13. I went there strictly to discover the KFC fillet meal. It is the perfect meal.
14. I’m disturbed about not having known about it earlier:

15. While in Geelong I discovered the Sarah Silverman Program which is the funniest thing since that Russian singing man.
16. Here’s a clip of a song she surprised her then-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel with (I don’t care if you, like the rest of the world, have already seen it):

17. I also watched a fair share of SNL. Here’s a skit that made me laugh:



18. The Lawrence Show Merrill Sisters skit “Sisters do as sisters should” (with Anne Hathaway) is not available on You Tube. Here's a less funny one that is:


19. I will document my adventures down south in some form of non-chronological mess over the coming days.

20. I did not have sex with that woman.