Armageddon

I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a crisis at Geyerstraße. I don’t think that it will cause the world to end, but then again it might.

Here’s the thing, in just over a month Simon, Mark and I have to move out. On the 15th of August we have to pack all of our worldly belongings, which have somehow increased exponentially, and relocate. If you’re not screaming in outrage and clawing at your hair, you have an evil soul and the devil can’t wait to play chess with you.

For the rest of you, now-balding empathisers, I appreciate your understanding and your baldness. I think it’s quite becoming, actually. But maybe get a hat or a wig.

If you’re wondering where we’re going, you’re clearly stopping for breaks you lazy heartless beast! Tear harder! Didn’t you just hear me say we have to abandon our home?!

But, if you must know, we haven’t found a place to move to yet. We would have, only we were so busy being The World’s Worst Self-Sabotagers that we just didn’t get around to it.

Then yesterday, suddenly, we were like OMG WE HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF GEYERSTRAßE! WE HAVE TO PACK OUR STUFF! WE HAVE TO LEAVE THE GLOCH!...

But then we were like WE HAVE TO ORGANISE OUR RECYCLING IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER! I THINK WE SHOULD WEAVE A THROW OUT OF OUR BELLYBUTTON LINT*. GOOD THINKING, I’LL START COLLECTING! MAYBE NOW IS THE TIME TO START NAMING OUR FURNITURE? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT “FLOUNCE THE FRIDGE”?!

And then we were like WHY ARE WE SHOUTING? Ummm... no idea...there was a reason...

OMG WE HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF GEYERSTRAßE!

Then we just kind of sat there wailing and talking about how we should have been looking for places and questioning why we’re so hopeless at life. Answer: those damn bottles all “Vio Wasser” next to “Coca Cola” like that...

Skip forward a few ingeniously-put-together German emails and a trip to the end of the earth (or 5kms from Munich city centre), and we’ve made our first steps into being responsible adults who don’t live on the street.

Of course there’s a chance that we’ll need to be severely medicated for depression when we leave our haven. There’s also a chance that we’ll bunker ourselves in and refuse to leave when the time comes. It's just this kind of unpredictability that will make the world end.

*It is my belief that women never acquire bellybutton lint. I’ve never had bellybutton lint. I also don't know how to knit...but a new throw would be nice.