The bird shit incident

Actually I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this earlier, because it has been one of the most traumatic events in my life; the day I had a shit shower.

How this shit shower came to be is a complete mystery. Mark, his brother Luke (who had come to Munich for a visit) and I were walking home from a successful afternoon of Squandering Our Money At Zara and H&M when, completely out of nowhere, all three of us – ALL THREE OF US AT THE SAME TIME (just take a moment to think about the logistics of that) – got completely and royally shat on.

And, can I tell you, the bird responsible had been into the Spanish cucumbers or sprouts or beans or beef or whatever it is that causes putrid, explosive diarrhoea.

The reason it’s such a mystery is because when we looked up to abuse the culprit with daggers, stones or, I don’t know, like a flesh-eating disease that would cause it some serious discomfort, we couldn’t find the bird. There was no bird. There was just blue sky, silence and a lot of shit.

And I mean for the volumes expelled, you would at least expect to see an elephant strapped to the outside of a plane or something.

For a few angry moments I thought that maybe it was a stupid prank played by someone in the neighbouring building, so I resolved to storm in and blast down the door of every apartment, smelling and shouting and gesturing wildly until I found the responsible party. Then I was going to throw them out of a window. Not the best plan, I admit, but as it turns out I turn quite irrational when I’m covered in shit. Guess I can knock that one off the list of “things I’d like to know about myself”.

Anyway, I wish there was a happy ending to this story, but seeing as there was no perpetrator, we just had to kind of slouch away and go home. We took the most deserted way there and couldn’t make eye contact with any of the people we passed along the way – I say “couldn’t” but I really mean “there was no fucking way we were going to make eye contact with anyone that wasn’t equally submerged in giant freak bird excrement.”

And that’s really all there is to say about that.

Oh, except: “if you’re out there freaky disappearing giant bird, you had better watch your back. I will get you and I WILL throw you out of a window!”