Simon is FAT!

And I mean monstrous. The other day he sat on a rainbow and NOTHING popped out. It was all lost in an arse dimple or crevice, or maybe it just suffocated slowly and painfully under a lump of fat. There’s no way of knowing because NOTHING popped out. 

Here’s a story: the other day Simon was walking to McDonald’s for a light snack (of 40 McNuggets) and he was just SO FAT.

The man is huge. HUGE. Like when he walks, the earth cowers before him and the trees weep for him. And trees don’t just weep without a reason. So our apartment is all cracked tiles here, cowering footpath there and hysterical wailing trees. That’s how FAT he is.

And when he walks past an elephant, a whale or a morbidly obese person, they forget to breathe and just die, because he’s so fat and they’re so breathless (and also a little bit fat).

I think our kitchen furniture summed it up best.

“I’ll tell you what; that Simon sure is fat,” it said the other day.

He sure is, broken couch, chair and table...he sure is.